Emerging From Struggle

For months and months while trying to get pregnant, then experiencing two miscarriages, and finally, during the #healthypregnancy of my son, I would see butterflies. White butterflies to be exact. They were there all the time, all around me.

Sometimes it would just be one, fluttering and bouncing about, as if it were teasing me or trying to get close enough to tell me a secret. Other times, it would be two white butterflies turning over and over one another. They acted as though they were children romping around in the coolest, most magical playground ever, or maybe they were two lovers dancing happily to their favorite song. Either way, I always noticed.

I constantly wondered what seeing these butterflies meant. So as most of us human beings do, I placed a meaning upon them. To me, they became like a whisper of encouragement; every time I saw them, they made me smile. Their presence comforted me and made me feel protected – as if I was receiving confirmation that I was on the right path.

Around a year after the birth of my son, I stopped seeing those butterflies. Or perhaps more specifically, wasn’t looking for them and didn’t notice if they were still there or not. Lately, however, I am starting to see them again! Mostly solid white ones, but delightfully sometimes even orange, one of my favorite colors.

Messages from the Universe?

So, what do these butterfly sightings mean? Who really knows.

However, consider this phenomenon — of the Universe giving us “signs.”

I was reminded of the phenomenon of totem animals when I read a blog called “Totem Animals and hearing the messages the Universe sends you” by a Canadian author named Danielle LaPorte. Immediately, I looked up the significance of butterflies.

The Process of Growth

One resource stated, “butterflies represent the need for change and greater freedom, and at the same time, it represents courage: one requires courage to carry out the changes necessary in the process of growth.”

This source went on to tell a short story about a man who found a cocoon of what would become a butterfly. He took this cocoon home so he could witness the transformation. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched. It took hours as the butterfly struggled to force its body out of the very small opening in the cocoon.

To the man, the butterfly seemed to have stopped in its progress. He imagined that it had gotten as far as it could on its own and that now it was stuck. In his kindness, he wanted to help the butterfly. He took scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly emerged very easily. However, its body was swollen, and its wings shriveled. And it was never able to fly.

Freedom and Flight

The man didn’t realize as he acted so quickly to “help” that the restriction of the cocoon and struggle of the butterfly was a way of forcing fluid from the butterfly’s body into its wings. This process elicits strength for the butterfly to be ready for flight once it achieves freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only occur after the struggle. In fact, “by depriving the butterfly of a struggle, he deprived the butterfly of health.”

This story was summed up with, “sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been…”

I think about the struggle of us who have experienced (or are currently experiencing) fertility challenges and pregnancy loss. Yet, how could we ever look at those heartbreaking experiences as something we need?

Becoming a parent is our birthright! And yet, becoming a parent will be one of the hardest, most challenging endeavors one will ever experience – whether it comes “easily” or not. Yet, because of that struggle, it will also be one of the most rewarding, freeing experiences in our life, just like the butterfly.

But when traversing the journey of trying to become a parent, it’s easy to feel that your body’s normal functions are failing you when it comes to conceiving and holding a pregnancy. As a result, the empty void left can feel never-ending, having no clarity for something that feels like it needs hard, fast answers.

Reframing the Struggle as a Gift

So, what do we do?

We pause. We take in a sweet breath.

We nurture ourselves and trust that life is supporting us. We try to shift the thoughts that don’t serve us.

We do our best to survive the struggle long enough to find that powerful transformation that is surely around the corner.

We remember the butterfly, who has known many forms before it takes flight. In fact, “scientific research has shown that the butterfly is the only living being capable of entirely changing its genetic structure during the process of transformation: the caterpillar’s DNA is totally different from the butterfly’s. Thus, it is the symbol of total transformation.”

If you want to be a parent, you will be—no matter the ‘how,’ becoming a parent will require your total transformation.

So, if you are struggling, first know that you are not alone. I see you.

And I invite you to reframe the situation in your mind. Lean into the struggle with eyes wide open. Trust the process (this is a hard one!). Take those deep breaths along the way. Nourish your mind-body system. Surround yourself with support and those who “speak” the language of your experience.

Remember that although this may be the hardest experience along the way, it could also be the most needed. It could be the next necessary step.

In the end, your struggle is sure to make you not only a better parent but also a better human being.